A La Emmett
by Nixxii-Cullen
Summary: The Cullen's get 'The Talk' A La Emmett - The Sexual Deviant that he is ---- Renesmee's talk now added !
1. Chapter 1 Please Dont Cry

**Hi everyone, i know i promised an Update to An Inevitable Change but i got attacked by plot bunnies and so this was born. Not a great attempt at humor, but anyway here we go.**

**Please review and i might do one where Emmett attempts to give the talk to Bella :) I will only write it if people review !  
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Summary - Edward gets the 'The Talk' A La Emmett

The living room was large and unoccupied, apart from myself and Emmett, giving me respite from the rest of the household. Rosalie was stilled pissed at me for agreeing to change Bella when the time came. Alice, seeing ahead of us, what would happen if Rosalie voiced her opinions, had suggested that her, Esme and Rosalie go do some late night shopping. Carlisle had taken Jasper hunting, as the mood had become too much, that even he could not calm him.

Emmett sat on the comfortable sofa, his legs pulled up on top of the antique 18th century apothecary table, that Carlisle had bought her for their anniversary. If she was in the house now he would be limping around the house, trying to regain the feeling in his legs. I smiled inwardly at my brothers bravery, Esme would notice footprints of that table a mile away.

The remote was clutched in his hand, as he flicked through the channels, nothing taking his interest. His thoughts held nothing interesting, just a run down on his latest meal, a large black grizzly that He had woken up from its slumber. His thought drifted in and out of focus, sometimes lingering on a moment between him and Rose, something I tried to tune out. After around 10 minutes of going through a play-by-play of his grizzly encounter, his thoughts became more lucid and even more disturbing than before.

He had begun to reminisce about the previous night with Rosalie. Apparently mine and her argument, that she was so frustrated that all of her pent up anger resulted in a _very eventful_ night between himself and Rose. Sometimes I cursed the fact that I could hear my brother's thoughts, even though it did come in handy when he and Jasper were planning pranks.

His thoughts though suddenly took an unexpected turn - or expected when you think about who it was doing the thinking - and Rosalie was now morphing into Bella, with myself taking Emmett's place. My initial reaction was to tear Emmett to tiny little pieces and throw him into the fire place that we never used. But then as the thoughts became a little bit more graphic, I realised that it was now my own thoughts running through my head rather than my chauvinistic brother's. My first clue was that the scene was taking place in Bella's bedroom, were every minute detail was magnified. I knew it was me because Emmett has never seen the inside of Bella's house, never mind her bedroom.

My fantasy was cut short, when Emmett broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. He was curled up on the sofa, clutching his stomach, gasping for a breath that he didn't need. When he finally pulled himself together he turned to me and smirked,

"Aww man, you should have seen your face!" he lapsed into another round of laughter, before continuing, "I mean I didn't think that would work, but by the look on your face it did" I growled at him, but he just smiled.

"That wasn't funny" I snarled at him through gritted teeth. He raised an eyebrow and thought, _well you seemed to enjoy it_. I tried to ignore his thoughts but he was throwing them at me, _come on I know that wasn't the first time you had thought about. _I let another snarl rip from my throat. _you can't say that you haven't imagined taking her in her room and ripping her clothes off, whispering in her ear, everything you want to do to her, where you wanna touch her ----_

"ENOUGH !!" I jumped up shouting. He was really taking it too far, as his thoughts became accompanied by various images. His smile grew and his thoughts became even more lucid. I huffed and sat back down in my chair, trying to block him out.

"Aww don't get all moody about it Little Brother, I was just trying to help!" He sounded almost sincere but his smile gave him away.

"Help? That was helping? Listening to my _brother_ imagine what it would be like, to sleep with _my _girlfriend. You thought that was being helpful?" I looked at him incredulously, even more so when he nodded and smiled, if possible, even wider.

"Oh please Emmett your kidding me" I replied to his most recent thought, _I thought you might need some pointers_. "Emmett I do not need any pointers, nor do I need any advice of you." his face fell dramatically and his smile was replaced with a frown.

"Hey! Now listen to me, I know a lot more about this than you do, which is a first. So sit down and let me fill you in on the ….Er… Ins and Outs of my _specialist_ subject."

I groaned audibly and walked over to where he was sat on the sofa.

"Now, I know you've been to Medical school more than once, so I won't go into too much detail." I rolled my eyes, as he raised his eyebrows, his expression serious, which made me want to laugh. The thought of Emmett being serious was never really something anyone considered. His voice was going on and on and I tried to drown out most of his little speech. I was doing quite well until a sharp punch to the shoulder pulled me out of my stupor.

"Hey ! Listen to me ! I won't get another chance at this, so I will say when it's your first time things can be a little scary, so I'm just gonna give you a little it of advice . DON'T, and I mean DO NOT under any circumstances start crying -" That was it,

"EMMETT I am NOT going to start CRYING when Me and Bella have SEX! Now will you please shut up. Your thoughts are giving me a brain ache !" I screamed at him, but through all my annoyance I didn't hear the front door open and my family walk into the room, just in time to hear my little outburst. They all stared at me and Emmett who was sat on the sofa still, with a huge grin on his face.

Jasper was the first to laugh, with Alice and Rosalie following soon after. Esme and Carlisle stood with shocked expressions, but were fighting back grins.

I growled, again, and sped past them, up to my bedroom. I slammed my bedroom door, trying to drown out their laughter.

*****

A few hours later, I heard a knock at the door, and I automatically thought of Bella. I raced down the stairs and flung the door open. I wasn't disappointed, there my Bella stood looking as radiant as ever.

"Hi" she said timidly. I still couldn't shake that sinking feeling that she didn't believe I was staying . I would have to prove it to her a thousand times. Not that I minded.

"Hi, come in. we can go up to my room." She grinned and came in, taking my hand. I leaned down and kissed her slowly, before tugging on her hand.

But before we could make it up the stairs Emmett and Jasper's head peaked round the doorway and grinned wildly at Bella, I knew exactly what they were planning. I growled at them both. "_Emmett, Jasper,_ don't even try it"

"It's ok Eddie, we were just going to ask Bella to do something for us" Emmett was really pushing it today.

"Yeah, Em's right. You don't mind do you Bella?" Bella shook her head and smiled at me, as if to say '_how bad could it be?_' My brothers grin's got wider and Emmett turned to us both, straightening up.

"well Bella, we just going to say that when the time comes, we would really appreciate it if -"he was nearly bursting with silent laughter now, so Jasper took over.

"If you didn't make our little Eddie cry."

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**_Nixxii x x_  
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	2. Chapter 2 Bella's Warm Feeling

**Hello people! i couldn't resist writing another piece to this. thanks to all of you that reviewed: i love you all** :D

This chapter was co-written by the great JaNeenii !!!

She wants to say something

**heyo ^^ I takened over yahyahyah lmao. Nixxii writes dirty shiz xp. **

Tis true people I do

Reviews people. And JaNeeniii will give you Oreos.

**UPDATE - 22/01/09 - it has come to our attention that even though we have had over 1000 hits we have only had 37 reviews. I hate to say this but we ARE REVIEWS WHORES !we need reviews people  
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**I have chapter 3 written and ready to be posted but it wont go up until we hit the 50+ review marks! **

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I love my family. I really do, I'm not being sarcastic there, but there are really pushing it this time. You see not only has Emmett taken to making screaming- baby-crying noises everytime me and Edward enter the room, but Edward also refuses to tell me why he's doing it.

I tried asking Alice but her answer was not much use,

"He's just being a bit protective, that's all" Protective?? What the hell does that mean? It didn't help that everytime I tried to ask Emmett about his new found hobby, Jasper would send calming waves or make me forget what I was about to say. Of course the only way he could distract me was to make me have a sudden rush of lust towards Edward.

Not that I didn't already, Thanks to my stupid human hormones. It was bad enough that I had to deal with them; I didn't need a bored empath making it worse.

But today, Today I had a feeling it was about to get worse. Edward, jasper and Carlisle had gone hunting, supposedly leaving me under the care of Rosalie Alice and Esme, for anther sleepover. Alice though, decided that she just had to go the mall for this new pair of red Mary-Jane Heels that had just come in stock. Rosalie, never turning down an excuse to go buy even more clothes, to make her look even more gorgeous (and the rest of the world even more inadequate), had gone with her.

Esme had disappeared about an hour ago, after making me some fajitas and leaving them aside for me. This left little old me sat in the living area, watching Emmett beat the hell out of zombies on his PlayStation.

It was pretty uneventful until, having thrashed at least a hundred zombies, Emmett through his controller into the seat next to him. He threw his large legs over and sprawled out across the seat, his feet in my lap. He looked at me with a curious expression, his head tilted to the side, as if trying to work something out.

He finally spoke, "So your gonna be a Cullen Huh?" it sounded innocent, if you didn't know Emmett and believed him when he told you that he was perfect. I couldn't work out where he was going with this, so I answered as simply as I could,

"Yup, that's the plan" I took a sip of my soda, trying to look nonchalant.

"Hmm, well what about before that? You know the wedding" Emmett didn't make sense to me most of the time; so to say that he had completely lost me was saying something. Alice had made sure that no one was slacking in the wedding department. Emmett had been subjected to as many hours of frilly, flowery wedding torture as I had.

"Well more the wedding night to be honest" My jaw dropped. Emmett wouldn't dare. He was NOT going to give me the sex talk! It was bad enough when Charlie tried it. He didn't seem phased and continued on his embarrassing rant, "I mean its your first time, what you got planned? I mean Edwards 107, its gonna have to be pretty sensational." Thanks Emmett, I just love it when people decide to voice my insecurities. I FRIKKIN KNOW !!!!!! But I didn't say that. Stupidly, I replied, "uh huh" unfortunately this seemed to encourage him.

"Bella, now I know that I'm not like, fluffy about relationships like Alice or Esme are. But this ain't Love. It's Sex. Plain and simple Fucking. Doing the dirty. Playing between the sheets. Don't matter what you call it, it's still the same. And it's FUN!" My face was bright red by then, and I had lost my voice. I stared blankly, but this did not deter him.

"I'm gonna be your god here, Bells and tell you what I know." NOOOOO EMMETT For the love of Carlisle don't! (AN// sorry but you know it Carlisle=God - Sexy or otherwise)

"When you and a man, in this case Vampire, love each other very much, you will want to do things to each other that will seem embarrassing at the time. But don't worry! It's completely natural--" I held my hand up to stop him,

"Emmett, are we really having this conversation. I love you like a brother, but this is too far." I tried to remain serious but his puppy dog eyes had me melting like and ice cream in July. He grabbed my wrist gently and pulled it down. He looked down at his shoes and smiled, "Bella. You love Edward right?"

"Emmett, you know I do" I felt slightly insulted that he had to ask.

"So you would want to make him happy right?"

"Of Course I do!"

"And you would want to please him more than anything?"

"Definitely, more than anyt--" I stopped realising where he was taking this. He was trying to guilt trip me into letting him give me the sex talk. This was low, even for Emmett.  
But before I could protest, he had already begun speaking again, "great! Now I'm guessing you already know the basics, of like what their called, where it goes etc." I blushed a new shade of red at his words.

Where was my big protective fiancé when I really needed him? He's always there when there's a chance I could get hurt by my big friendly wolf, yeah. But when his big friendly vampire brother wants to make me die of embarrassment, he decides, 'you know I'm a bit peckish, lets go hunt some lions and leave Bella to the mercy of Emmett, the sexual deviant.' Great plan Edward. We would be having words. I realised quickly that Emmett was still speaking.

"Now I know that will our ultra-cold skin, things could get a little chilly, for a hot-blooded mammal like your self, so some KY warming jelly wouldn't go a miss. Be sure to pick some of that up, next time the Pixy drags you shopping." I was actually praying to any god out there that the floor would open up and swallow me. My expression made Emmett smile even more and persist,

"It's pretty obvious that we are so very strong as well," he took the time to flex his muscles for added affect, "but don't let this fool you! No in the throes of passion, it would be very easy to grab Edward and make him do whatever you want . I mean that boy would do whatever you want now, so I'd love to see what he would be like when your in that little black number Alice had picked out-" he stopped dead when he realised my horror struck face, clicking on that he had said too much.

My embarrassment had reached a new level. Not only had Alice been shopping for me again, but she had been lingerie shopping as well. However, just in case that didn't cause me to die, due to my body losing all its blood, which was now in my cheeks, Alice had decided that it didn't matter that Emmett should see all of these things. Which undoubtedly meant that so had Edward. Great! Frikkin fantastic, Edward had seen me in lingerie, before I had.

I was about to open my mouth to question him when an engine roared outside, followed by an almighty BANG as the front door slammed open. In stormed Edward, who without a word, picked me up an put me over his shoulder, before carrying me off upstairs. Before we did though I could not help but notice that Jasper and Carlisle stood behind us shaking in silent laughter.

As we went up the stairs I could distinctly hear Jasper's voice carry over the laughter, "You go get her tiger" which was met by a disgruntled growl from Edward. I sighed as I realised that no-one , in this relationship anyway, was getting anything tonight.

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I had not looked Emmett in the eye for over a week now. I planned to keep that up until I was changed and I could beat his ass at arm wrestling.

The whole family, minus Alice, were sat around the living area watching a film that's Jasper and Emmett had insisted we watched. It was an Japanese martial arts film, with English subtitles, which I suspected were for my benefit, as most of them were fluent, in most languages.

Just as the closing credits were rolling, we heard the front door open and close softly, and in bounced Alice holding two large shopping bags. She danced into the family room, and sat down in front of me, with her back to the coffee table, where she had rested her bags.

"Belllaaaa?" Oh god, its gonna be bad. She's bought me something. "you know I love you right?" I gritted my teeth and instantly felt on edge. I nodded slowly.

"Good, because, I spoke to Emmett the other day and he told me about your conversation." I felt Edward stiffen beside as she spoke. Alice's grin grew wider as she noticed too. In fact everyone was turned to look at me now. Alice went on,

"So I went to the liberty of saving you a shopping trip, since I know you _hate_ shopping." with this she thrust the smaller of the two bags towards me. She nodded at me encouragingly as I dipped my hand into the bag, which was met by something small and silky. I grimaced instantly, she wouldn't. I looked up and was instantly aware of the 6 vampires looking at me with amused looks. To my side Edward was shooting death glares to Emmett.

Jasper, aware of my discomfort, did nothing and instead chose to say, "Come on Bella, shows us what you've got." I flushed bright red and Edward turned his deadly looks onto jasper, who laughed openly.  
Gritting my teeth, I pulled out a small, barely- there negligee, made up of black see through silk. I heard Esme gasp and Carlisle cough, before they both left the room. _I guess there goes my dignity, following right behind my future in laws. _

But Alice wasn't done. "That's not all Bella. Go on get the other present out" the room was beginning to feel very hot as I went back into the bag. My hands wrapped around something cool and cylindrical, while I racked my brain, trying to figure out what it was.

When I extracted my hand, I really wished I hadn't. the whole room began to shake with everyone's laughter, and I swear I even saw Edwards lips twitch a tiny bit. This was the most mortifying moment of my life.

For in my hand, I held a tub of KY warming jelly.

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**HEHE Im silly i know. **

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**Come on, make the REVIEW WHORES happy and review !!!  
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:D ;p oh n more dirty shiz will b up soon, wiv my new Alice/jasper one shot

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**Over and Out **

**_Ms. Nixxii C x x_**

**_(And Ms. JaNeenii)  
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	3. Chapter 3 Jasper Breakin Moves

**A La Emmett - Jaspers turn**

**i no i said no update until i hit 50 reviews, but if I'm perfectly honest, I've been too god damned excited about writing this ! **

**Anyway JaNeenii also threatened to take away my Smut-License for a month if i didn't update soon !!! So this ones for you Neenii !**

**however after this one i am stumped on what to write next so if you want more you will have to vote on my poll! **

**One more thing, for more of Major Whitlock, check out my new story Still There For Me ( Dont forget to review !)**

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I could feel the lust coming from the house from here, a good two miles away. I felt Alice squeeze my hand beside me and smile. We were returning from a week-end long hunting trip,. I looked back down at Alice and couldn't help but feel adoration and love for her. I must of been sending out waves of lust also, -whether from me or the house, I didn't know - but she smirked at me and whispered gently into my ear, "just a bit longer". I groaned inwardly and continued our walk back home.

Alice and I were due to get married next week, something Her, Esme and Rosalie had spent months planning. Of course it was only after I proposed, that she told me she had started planning a good few months ago, when I bought the ring. Sometimes it was hard living with and loving a physic.

Of course there was one thing I did not anticipate happening when I finally asked her. My wonderful pixie had decided that she wanted to keep with all the traditions Rosalie had told her about. She couldn't remember ever wanting anything like this, nor even having anything like this, so she relied heavily on Esme and Rosalie to teach her the basic rules of matrimony. And on one in particular.

For the last two months Alice had insisted that we remained celibate until our wedding night, something Esme had told her a lot of couples do. Alice, ever one to follow a trend, had gone a long with it straight away.

However when one shares a house with the biggest sexual deviants known to mankind, the ever loving, Emmett and Rosalie, and one can feel every emotion known to be involved in their activities, the frustration was unbearable.

Personally I did not see the point, every time with Alice was special, so I do not understand how it could get any better, because we had said some vows that day. But whatever Alice wants Alice gets and I was not going to deny her anything that would make her happy.

Carlisle and Esme had chosen to stay behind and go stay at a hotel while they still could. Carlisle was taking up a new position at the hospital soon, which meant long hours and many late nights. Not really a problem for a vampire but Alice had feared this would lead them to not be able to find time for _other activities_. So she took it upon herself to arrange the week end for them.

Unfortunately this left Rose and Emmett no reason to leave their room, as no one but Esme had the guts to drag them apart. And judging from the emotions emanating from their bedroom, they had gotten an early start.

As we approached the back door we could clearly hear a door slamming and the whole house shook. Edward stormed down the stairs cursing loudly; he grabbed his keys and flew out the door. His engine revved ad he sped out the drive.

I chuckled, but was cut off by a look from Alice. She was glowering up the stairs to an unknown source. There was a mix of anger and amusement in the air, which confused me as only a moment ago the room, was flooded with lust and desire.

I walked over to her and looked upwards; I instantly regretted it. Emmett was stood up on the top step, wearing nothing but a pair of black silk boxers. The amusement emanating from Emmett was almost unbearable, and I couldn't help but start to laugh. I was nearly in hysterics, but a look from Alice silenced me almost immediately.

Rosalie soon joined her husband on the stairs, looking perplexed, her eyes flickering from Alice's angry expression to my snickering form and then back to her husbands grinning face.

"Emmett don't you _dare_" Alice growled at him. She looked positively menacing at the moment, regardless of her size.

"Calm down Short arse. I'm just going to have a little chat with my brother here" His expression was spine-chillingly sincere, which caused me to worry. It must have spread as well as I saw Rosalie's perfect features turn down into a frown. I tried to calm own and pull myself together, but if Emmett was planning something bad, I definitely should be worried.

"I don't care Emmett. Not about that your not." I was completely lost on what they were talking about, but I figured if I let him do it now then it wouldn't be so bad, opposed to letting him sit on it and make it worse.

"Ali, its fine. How much can one chat hurt" I questioned. She looked at me incredulously as if to say, 'its your funeral'.

"Fine but don't come crying to me later" she stormed off up to our room, closely followed by Rosalie. Emmet descended the stairs quickly and settled himself onto the large overstuffed sofa, in front of the TV. He motioned for me to sit on the chair opposite him, as I did.

He cleared his throat and grinned at me.

Uh Oh

Not good.

He started lightly, "I love Alice you know. I would have loved to have her as my little sister before all this," he gestured to himself, as if to indicate his transformation. "Alice is probably the closest thing I will have now, so I wanna protect her." I raised my eyebrows at him. Was this where I was supposed to say, 'don't worry I'll protect her with my life', and then we would proceed to have a heart to heart about all of our feelings? I mean there is no doubt about it, I will protect Alice with my life, I just don't understand where he was going.

He continued.

"But in our case, you are also my brother and brothers are meant to share everything. So here I am left with a … erm whatjamacallit…..conumadrum ?"I resisted the urge to laugh at him and instead spoke, "Conundrum, maybe Em?"

"Yeah that's it. So I have to decide which is more important. Protecting my little sister from the _urges_ of her overly emotional fiancé, _or _share all the details of the result of said urges with my overly emotional brother."

OH MY GOD. He wouldn't ! he was honestly asking me which would be better! Getting 'the talk' of him in regards to my relationship with his sister. Or the more horrifying than that, have to actually discuss the act, _in detail, _with him, in regards to his sister,

"Em, really I don't think that's necessary." I tried to deter him.

"Ahh but you see it is! You are my only source of male companionship around here. You think I'll be able to speak about stuffy like this to the Nancy boy?" I chuckled at the nickname he had awarded Edward. Emmett was a firm believer that Edward in fact batted for the other team, and had taken to pointing this out on every occasion possible. "and god knows I cant talk to Carlisle about it. I mean come on! No-one wants to know about their parents doing it" I had to agree with him on that one.

He continued on again, "but fear not. I have decided that, as I am amazingly brilliantly super, I can have my grizzly and eat it too!" Please God, if there is nay chance left over for me, let him drop it!

"Jazz I am going to ask you some simple questions, which can only be answered by yes or no. Got it?"

"Yes"

"Good one, okay number 1) have you slept with my sister?" Oh merciful Zeus !! I answered quickly,

"Yes" he grinned even wider !

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Yes"

"Did the Pixie enjoy it" The freaking nerve. He was pushing things now.

"Yes" I gritted my teeth menacingly.

"Really?" he tilted his head and furrowed his brow slightly, "cos she didn't seem so happy bout discussing it" Of course not! No one in their right mind would ever dream of discussing sex with Emmett.

"Yes"

"Well actually I don't agree with you" WHAT ?? "but never mind that, never fear Emmett is here!" he puffed out his chest proudly and his grin grew again.

"But I gotta say Jazz, just because you make her _feel_ like she's enjoyin' it, it don't mean she really is" he looked deadly serious. I couldn't believe him ! He was actually accusing me of faking Alice's orgasm for her !! I was this far from actually killing him.

"Emmett, trust me I do not need to -"

"now now little brother" I gritted my teeth - I was nearly a century older than him for Christ's sake! - "don't go getting all protective. Now listen here, there's actually an up-side to going out with a pixie." this was going to be bad, judging by the amusement and glee radiating from him.

"Seen as she's so small, you don't really have to worry about _measuring up_" Emmett. Will. Die. I am going to make sure that he never _ever_ gets any ever again. Rosalie will have to start looking elsewhere for gratification after I'm finished with him. Despite my glares and growls, he still went on, "I mean really, she ain't gonna know any different after all and lets face it, you can just make her _feel_ like its about right!" he looked triumphant, like he had actually given me some worthy advice!

"Emmett, I swear, one more word-" I tried but he clamped a huge hand over my mouth, "Oh jasper, jasper, jasper. I know. This must be embarrassing! don't worry about it !! I have one more thing to say." his chest swelled up and he looked me dead in the eye, "I know she looks small, but do remember she is immortal and well, invincible. SO don't be afraid, to pick her up and slam her against the wall in the throes of passion . I mean how do you think me and Rose broke the cottage last week ! Sometimes it can make things better, you know unless, your worried she'll hurt you." his eyebrows went sky high as he saw me lunge at him.

I threw myself at him, throwing us both over the couch, and into the back window, which smashed on impact. Somewhere in the house I could here the girls run downstairs to see what had caused the disturbance. Me and Emmett kept on rolling around, Me punching any part of him I could reach. It wasn't until I felt a vice like grip on the back of my neck, that I stopped. I strained my still contained neck to see a furious Esme glaring at the both of us.

I swear, if she could, she would have had smoke coming out of her ears. Emmett pulled himself of the ground, looking sheepish, to my delight.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN ! How dare you !" HA ! I cheered internally. He was going to get slaughtered for this ! "how dare you ruin that beautiful house I built for you ! Do you know how long it took to get that right !! Do you !" HUH? No lecture for making me the most embarrassed I've ever been ? No fair ! By now Esme had released her grip on me, and I was slowly backing up towards Alice.

I gripped her hand and me made a break for the stairs, but not before Esme shouted after us.

"JAPSER WHITLOCK HALE ! don't you dare even think about breaking any of my walls, or I will personally make sure you and Alice remain completely celibate for the rest of eternity.

DAMN !

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_**Review !! **_

_**Over and Out **_

_**Ms. Nixxii C **_

_**xx**_


	4. Chapter 4 Renesmee's Treasure

**_WOW i'm updating sooner thank normal here ! i must love you all :D_**

**_I gotta say it now before i get flamed - all characters are very OOC, just because they had to be for me to write this. _**

**_Also i am major Team Edward - so don't expect too much Jacob lovin' - i lost my love for him in eclipse ( i had a major fangirl moment and threw the book at my wall in frustration - that kiss GRRRR !!!) _**

**_So read on ...............  
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A La Emmett - Renesmee

Jake dropped me off outside the house, but didn't move to come in with me. I sighed, Dad was still hostile towards Jake, which I wasn't appreciative of at all. We were in the middle of a enthusiastic (mind-blowing, amazing, spell binding, I could go on forever!) goodbye, when a sharp soprano voice broke s apart, "Ahem" I looked around through the glass to see Aunt Alice stood on the porch, looking angry. Uh Oh.

"Nessie, get inside, your dads getting ready to pounce. Jacob I _suggest _you go home. Quickly. I'm trying to see what Jasper's getting me for our anniversary but you making me blind." she growled softly. Aunt Alice hated being 'blind'. I smiled wryly at Jacob before leaving the car and entering the house.

My family were sat in the front room, watching a movie, or least pretending to watch. I could tell my dad wasn't paying it an ounce of thought as his hands kept twitching, along with his eyes, to the front door. I hoped that Jacob had already left, otherwise my dad would have no qualms pulverizing him on the front lawn.

I sighed and called out, "Hey you guys, I'm home," maybe a little louder than needed, with my families perfect hearing.

"Yeah we heard" Okay Dad's already in a bad mood. Just play it cool and act normal.

"Renesmee , how was your night?" I love my Mom. Her voice was strained though, as if she was trying to say something else also. I tried to control my thoughts as I thought up an appropriate answer, one that wouldn't cause Dad to kill Jake in the most painful way possible. Believe me, I've heard some of them, My dad is a regular psycho. My train of thought though took a more pleasant path though as I began to think back to exactly how wonderful my night had been. Jake and me had the house to ourselves, no parents, no pack, we could do whatever we wanted. And we did.

I heard a feral growl from in front of me and saw that my dad was on his feet, and heading for the door. Mom grabbed him quickly and pulled him to a stop. His eyed flickered between us both, before he took off up the stairs, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like ' gonna neuter the bastard mutt'.

I groaned and sat down next to Mom, leaning against her shoulder. She wrapped an arm around me, kissing my forehead, "he'll be okay" she whispered against my hair.

Rosalie leaned over and patted my knee smiling reassuringly. I knew she was probably as angry as Dad, as she hated Jake with a passion, but she controlled it better, which I was grateful for.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes before we were joined by Jasper and Alice. Jasper looked disappointed, while Alice was bouncing around as usual. I raised my eyebrows at Mom, but soon saw that she had her eyes closed and was concentrating deeply. Probably telling Dad to stop planning Jake's painful castration.

I turned back to Alice and Jasper. She was sat on his lap smiling down at him, while whispering,

"Don't worry, I love it anyway!" Ahhh so she had seen her present. Sometimes I secretly wonder if Jasper likes having the pack around, when shopping for his wife. I know that I found it handy around Christmas.

While thinking this, I noticed Alice's head snap up, in Emmett's direction. Before she could open her mouth though, he had begun,

"So Nessie, how's the dog breeding going?" he better not start with me, I will hurt him.

"I don't know what you mean" I tried innocent, but I knew my face was a brilliant shade of red by now, thanks to my Mothers brilliant genetic material.

" 'course you don't midget. Anyway I was watching animal planet the other day and I saw this great programme about _interspecies breeding_," I was glowing red by now. I really, really hope he wasn't saying what I think he was saying. I looked at Mom for support, but saw she still had her eyes closed still. I turned to my two aunts instead; Alice was glaring at Emmett, while Rosalie was fighting a smile. Even Jasper was struggling to maintain his composure.

"Anyway," Emmett turned to face me fully now, resting his elbows on his knees, looking at me inquisitively, " I was hoping you could shine some light on a few things. Say if ….. I don't know….a dog for example wanted to mate with…… say something really different….unique even…like…..ohhh …the Loch Ness Monster….. How would that happen?" he looked at me expectantly, but I heard someone growl slightly behind me. I looked around to see Dad or maybe even Alice, but instead Esme and Carlisle were stood in the doorway.

"Emmett, don't you dare ask your niece those kind of questions!" Esme was fuming, and it wasn't at me for breaking something - I was happy.

"But Es-" She held up a hand,

"Emmett, do you really think she wants to talk about this ? Not to mention the fact that her _father_ can hear everything she's thinking" Now I was worried. What could Emmett say to me that I wouldn't want my dad to hear?

"Trust me. There are many things" I heard my fathers voice from upstairs, making me smile and groan at the same time. He was listening.

"It doesn't matter Emmett, your not doing this. Carlisle?" she looked to her husband for support, but to both our surprise saw him looking at his shoes, "Carlisle?"

"Well…erm…he _may _have a point….." he trailed of sheepishly, still insistent with his appraisal of the floor.

"WHAT ???" Alice, Esme and I all screamed at once.

"Well….she's half vampire….and half human…so well she can get …erm pregnant and Jacob is a werewolf….so it would be interesting to see the er…product of them both." He mumbled, a very unusual trait for my normally very eloquent grandfather.

My very eloquent grandfather who had just admitted his curiosity into what my mutant offspring would be like.

Have I mentioned how much I love my family.

"EXACTLY!" Emmett jumped up from his seat, going over to clap Carlisle on the back, "See the old man gets where I'm coming from" he looked at me, smiling, dimples and all. "Come on, don't say you never thought of what the vampire puppies would be like !" he looked around us all incredulously;

Me, stood still, mouth opening and closing like a fish (just another characteristic to give to my mutant spawn) ; Rosalie, trying to reign in her laughter on the couch; Alice glaring furiously at her brother. I was only now that I realised that, sometime during this exchange, my mother had disappeared. Great, even my Mom wasn't going to save me.

"Emmett. Listen to me. Very. Closely." I said through gritted teeth, "Don't you. EVER, try to talk to me about this. EVER."

"Ahhh my dear little Nessie. Trust me, a day will come, when you - and that furry boyfriend- will thank me for this." he threw his arm around me, and squeezed gently.

"Nuh uh, Never. No offence Em but I don't think I want to take advice from my Uncle about sex. that's just weird" It really was. It was bad enough with Mom.

"Ness, I am exactly the person you want to come to. Trust me"

Ughhh , I had had enough. I shook off his arm and went up to my room, slamming the door, trying to drown out the sound of Emmett's booming laughter. I turned my music on, and flopped down onto my bed. It was only then did I realise there was something on there. A small square packet and a large box that weirdly resembled a treasure chest., underneath each one had a note.

I opened the smaller one first, only to find a box of Magnums. I blushed deep red and more laughter could be heard from downstairs. Alice was probably filling them all in. Damn her power !

The note read,

_**Dear Nessie, **_

_**As much as we love you, I don't think any of us want puppies any time soon **_

_**Use wisely **_

_**Alice x **_

Again DAMN !

I scanned the note again, realising only then, that there was a p.s

_**p.s - you might want to try these on some of the goods in the chest first x**_

I really did not want to know what was in that box. Really. Maybe I could find a way to sneak it out and burn it.

"No chance!" called Alice. Grrrrrrr.

I groaned and opened the lid to the box and groaned immediately. Inside was more condoms. But not only that. No that would be too easy for my uncle.

No, inside we had a vast amount of sexual party favours, including furry handcuffs, KY jelly, a blindfold and various other pieces of paraphernalia that I couldn't name. I was full on blushing by now.

But what really got me was what I found at the bottom of the chest.

A bunch of bananas.

Now I was confused. I really will never understand Emmett.

I read the note hoping to gain some clarity,

_**Practice Makes Perfect **_

_**Em x **_

He didn't mean what I thought he did, did he ?

I didn't have time to ponder this though as my dad stormed into my room and grabbed the chest out of my hands without a word, and storming back out of the room.

Did I mention how much I love my family ?

* * *

_**It is about half four in the morning over here - so if there any mistakes then review and tell me, i'll proof read tomorrow **_

_**I just wanted to get this up for you all :D must be love **_

_**Reviewers get Emmett Treasure Chests ! **_

_**Over and Out **_

_**Ms. Nixxii C **_

_**x x**_


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